Five years later...

OK, OK, so I fibbed about having my Third Annual VIBE Awards recap up shortly after the show originally aired. What can I say, I tried hard to block my memory of this madness and my promise to recap it. But since all of my devoted fans (like four or five of y'all...LOL) asked for it, and since I told X that I was still going to do it, who am I to disappoint? So without further delay, let me give the people what they want. And oh yeah, the show is reairing tonight on MTV2 @ 8 pm in case you want to subject yourself to it. Just know that I tried to warn you.

R&B shIt Girl Ciara opened up the awards show by descending onto the stage much like Donnie Simpson did at the BET 25 Long special. Much to my dismay, just as Donnie did weeks before, she survived. She then proceeded to lip synch her way through a few of her hits. She finished off her performance by poppin her thang all over the stage. I am so over Ciara. Anyone else? One last thing, Ciara, 1987 called and wants its weave back.

After Ciara was through we were introduced to the hosts, Tracee "Ms. Fat Booty" Ellis Ross and Anthony Anderson. I understand why Tracee was on the show because clearly UPN was trying to get as much mileage as it can out of its "stars," but Anthony Anderson really needed to have a heart-to-heart talk with his agent and a tire iron. Now back to Tracee Ellis Ross and her humps. Claude have mercy where did she get all that tail from? Surely not her mama, Diana Ross. She straight up looked like Big Behind Bird in her first outfit (one of many hideous selections). Rounding everything out was Funkmaster Flex on the 1's and 2's.

Sanaa Lathan came out to present the award for Hottest Hook. She looked great from the forehead down. I guess her hairdresser set her up after hearing that Denzel rumor. She came out to a lukewarm response from the sedated (high?) audience. The Game won for "Hate It Or Love It."

The next painful performance was by Akon and Young Jeezy. Two words: Bore-Ring. Excuse me while I pick my toenails. And I've seen better lip synching on Soul Train. Wait, is that fake snow? I guess Jeezy does have that snow, man. Yeah, this is officially the corniest crap ever. I think I fell asleep with my eyes open. At the end of this musical monstrosity the track stopped and Akon was still singing.

Garcelle Beauvais and the black dude from Desperate Houswives (not the one who got the ax but the other one) came on to present the award for Best Group. The Diplomats won.

Harry Lennix, who will always be known as Dresser from The Five Heartbeats to me, and the forgettable Tony Rock presented the award for Best R&B Song to "We Belong Together," Mariah's ode to her breasts, which were on blast once again.

The unlikely duo of Antonio Tarver and Chazz Palminteri were up next to present the Vibe Vixen award to the winner Kimora Lee Simmons. She looked whorendous with her newly blonde head hair of hair. Not the move, Kimowrong.

Question: How many B minus-list actors does it take to introduce Keyshia Cole? Answer: Two...Michael Rappaport and Nick Cannon. Finally someone singing live! Keyshia dropped her hit "I Should Have Cheated." But, Keyshia, you should have found a better outfit, you should have fired your stylist, and you should have gotten some better choreography.

Everybody Hates Chris stars Tichina "Pam" Arnold and Terry Crews presented the next award for Coolest Collabo to Ciara and Ludacris for "Oh."

George Clinton and Big Boi, two stars that "be on it," introduced a performance by Pharrell. He also performed live and had skateboarders on stage doing their thing. Unremarkable.

The next presenters were Robert Ri'chard and Kyla Pratt from One On One to award the V Style award to Baby Phat. Is this show over yet?

Jimmy Iovine and Quincy Jones presented the V Legend Award to Mary J. Blige. After an MJB video retrospective, she took to the podium. The moment that everyone was waiting for to see just how bad Mary J. went off on VIBE EIC Mimi Valdes during her speech was left on the cutting room floor and edited all the way out of the telecast. Damn you VIBE, that would've at least made this show interesting. MJB was far from glammed out with a ratty weave and a hat pulled all the way down over her face to conceal her eighthead.

Two DC-area natives, Taraji P. Henson and Ginuwine, were on hand to present the Next Award. This ended up being a tie between Keyshia Cole and Young Jeezy.

T.Error Marie and Rhianna were on deck to introduce a performance by Chris Brown and Juelz Santana of the hit "Run It." The performance, which practically recreated the video, was half live and half lip synched. Why they added the dancing cops at the end I don't know.

Holly Robinson Peete left the kids at home with Rodney and presented the award for Street Anthem with one of the Hustle and Flow ho's, Taryn Manning. T.I. won and accepted the award in a smoking jacket. Yes, a smoking jacket.

Trina and T-Pain, who to no ones shock was looking and acting like an ugly clown, introduced the next music segment that featured Trina's boo Lil Wayne, Paul Wall, Mike Jones, and David Banner.

Will.I.Am from the Wack Eyed Peas and Shannon Elizabeth from Cuts presented Album of the Year honors to Mariah for The Emancipation of Mimi. There were more of Mariah's ramblings in her acceptance speech.

Nia Long came out looking like her usual fabulous self to introduce Damian "Jr. Gong" Marley. He performed a spirited rendition of "Welcome to Jamrock" complete with a flag waver. His portion of the show was sponsored by weed.

The last award of the night was presented by Terrence Howard and Lil Wayne. Terrence was killing me softly with the oh-so-dramatic introduction to the Artist of the Year award. The winner was (surprise!) Mariah Carey.

To wrap up this sorry awards show was a sorry performance of "Georgia" by Ludacris featuring Field Mobb, Bobby Valentino, and Sharifa (who?) . There were two choirs on stage--a white choir dressed in black and a black choir dressed in white. Confederate flags were everywhere...including on Luda.

And so it ended. Two more hours of my life I will never get back. I would have rather listened to a continuous loop of "My Humps" for two hours. If there was a picture to represent the quality of this awards show, it would have to be this one:

Yes, it was that bad.